So, somehow in my blogging absence, I surpassed the 10,000 hits mark. I can't imagine why 20,100 eyeballs would come to rest here for a second or two, but I guess it's cool. I have been taking breaks off and on from posting here, mostly because I've been struggling to know what it's all about and what my words or (often borrowed) photos could possibly have to add to the pool.
The past year has been a strange one. I don't feel like the same person that left home 2 years ago. And honestly, I miss that person sometimes. I think I was a better friend. I felt things more deeply. I engaged life more often. I appreciated beauty more. I experienced wonder. Heck, I looked a lot younger too. These days, I just feel old and tired. I don't feel like a particularly good wife, or a particularly good employee, or a particularly good friend or daughter or granddaughter.
I think I've come unplugged.
There are a few possible explanations. Exhaustion. Maybe depression. But mostly I think...a choice to disconnect because everywhere I look I see something tragic. I'm not being melodramatic, it's just that it's been a really, really tough year for most of the people I love very much. I feel helpless and sometimes I shut down. My own faith has been in a crisis, and rather than getting back up and fighting, I think I've just decided to sit life out for a bit. Or I thought it would just be for a bit.
Anyway...The past few weeks I was reading the book of John, and what struck me more than anything is that we tend to want the wrong things. I have wanted healing for my friends and the restoration of what's been lost to them. Clearly not wrong things...unless you stop believing that God is still good despite all that you see, and you choose to stop engaging in life and relationship with Him. I didn't realize my faith was so weak. I didn't realize I trusted Him so very little.
I've been asking myself a lot lately what I want. Do I want a relationship that lasts forever in which I can fully engage? Or do I just want a 'good life'? ... Do I want to fully trust in Someone? Or do I just want to keep trying to be so good in and of myself that I need nothing and trust no one? What would it feel like to want what my soul already knows it wants, but my heart and mind so quickly forget? What would it feel like to have that one giant desire completely, utterly, absolutely, eternally fulfilled?
I don't know, but I want to find out.