I read this Audrey Hepburn quote the other day while browsing the bargain books at B&N (because you know I can't resist picking up an Audrey book): "Success is like reaching an important birthday and finding you're exactly the same."
I guess that's kind of how I feel about New Year's Eve/Day. Every year I think it will be different, and every year I'm disappointed because really...I'm not that different. Oh sure, things change...I change...but in the end, I'm only getting closer to who I was in the beginning anyway. Isn't that kind of what growing older is? In your teens and twenties, you try so hard to outrun yourself...your childhood, your growing up, your big lump of a past...and then in your thirties you start trying to get back. Or maybe it's just me.
Anywho, I realized that I haven't been blogging because I wanted to be this forever-ly over the moon, adventurous newlywed with wit, stories, or at the very least nice pictures to share. I haven't been able to admit to myself, much less to other people, how much it all aches sometimes (and by "all", I pretty much mean life).
I feel so stupid saying this because I know very well how fortunate and blessed I am, but you see...my form of outrunning myself all my life has been holding things in, maintaining an illusion, shutting out life/people/emotions and building up walls. So when I put it that way...maybe it's better just to say what feels stupid. Besides that, I find I am always touched--even encouraged--when people admit that they struggle too. Even (and perhaps especially) when everything looks so rosy from the outside (good job, brand new baby/marriage/adventure...) I guess it's a sigh of relief to know it's not just me.
Happy 2011, everyone. Here's to shedding a few more layers and loving each other in all our different phases.
